[	Tags	|	max	]
[	mood	|	sick	]
[	music	|	Ben Folds Five- Alice Childress	]

Wow.

So... I am going to GWU next semester.  I have already moved past the intense joy I felt when I was notified, but I still feel that this information should be posted in my journal for some reason.  ...as if I wouldn'r remember.

Anyway, the past week has been crazy.  I don't even know where to start...

I guess I will start last Tuesday, although I will have to give some general background infromation.

I have been spending a lot of time with Max this semester.  There has been a few times where I have felt driven to kiss him (ok, perhaps even a bit more than that) but I have always resisted because I do not have any desire to date him.  He is totally wrong for me and goes against my future plans of marrying a perfect man, having higher standards, and locking myself in my house for months.  But, I found that as the home situation worsens, I avoid being home as much as possible.  This is partly why I have been hanging out with Max so much... that and I also really enjoy his company.  Even before the instances last week, I found myself comparing every guy that I met to Max.  While Max is not extremely intelligent and does not excell academically.. and he will cewrtainly never be the CEO of a fortune 500 company... he is extremely funny and I want to spend as much time with him as possible.  When he was dating someone, I wanted to ri[ her face off, even though I didn't know her.  In typical Becca fashion, I hid all of these feelings.  I am still hiding most of them.... because he isn't perfect for me.  Oh, and he is crazy.

So... to the stoy...

I went straight over Max's house last Tuesday... I worked 7-12 and he just told me to wake him up when I got there if he was still sleeping.  We bummed around for a while and then met up with Jeb and Kybe.  Jeb cracks me up!  ANYWAY, skipping a TON of stuff, Max's mother called him when we were over Jeb and Kybe's house to tell him that he has to come home immediately because he didn't clean the kitchen.  Max claims to not remember ever being asked to clean the kitchen, and it certain;y isn't a mess.  Keep in mind that he is 19 years old and his mother is still ordering him around as if he is 16 years old!  Max and I rode back to his house in his car because my car was pared outside, so we could just get in that and dip.  We went inside his house when we got there so that he could give his mother the keys and clean the kitchen.  Well, his parents were going NUTS when I was there.

Long story short agian, I left and ten minutes later I came back because he was getting kicked out of his house and needed someone to pick him up.  I had to sit in the living room with his parents as they yelled at hime and talked mad shit on him to me and eachother.  It was so awkward... after we left, I ended up yelling at him like crazy for fucking this semester up (which happened becuase of a girl) and for having no focus on life... he makes pretty poor, rash decisions.  Anyway, when we were in my car, that awkward want to kiss you moment happened... at least, it did for me.  Like, he hugged me because I was really upset (HE wasn't, I was) and as we pulled apart, we looked eachother in the eyes and everything kind of froze for a second.  I was incredibly tempted to lean in and kiss him, but I resisted for so many reasons... his craziness, his families craziness, and fear of rejection being the main reasons.

Fast forward to Thursday... on Thursday, I helped Max to realize that he likes men.  WHY DID I DO THIS???  I mean, I am all about him being comfortable with himself, but what came from this does not make ME comfortable.  We ended up going over Eric's hosue to see if being arond a chill gay man would help him out (he doesn't know many... or maybe even any... gay people).  They hit it off right away... and it ended up really upseting me.  I kept thinking to myself, "oh dear, what if I missed my chance??"  I was alternating that thought with "I will fucking leave right now if they really want some alone time that much, I don't give a fuck".  That last thought was complete bull shit, but nontheless, I kept trying to convince myself that I was happy for my friends and didn't care that I was in an extremely awkward situation.  ...Eric kept calling me a cock block and told me numerous times that he likes Max, whereas Max kept telling me that he could see himself with both Eric and me.  Oh, I should also mention that Max was loving all of the attention.  He was possitively giddy.  Moreso, all of us were extremely horny.  

Somehow, watching Max flirt with another guy really turned me on... I am totally attracted to people who are both open and comfortable with themselves, and he definitely showed himself to be both of those things that night.  I think that another reason that I wanted to ravage him that night it because I had some compition for his attentions... I felt like showing Eric my claws, which is absolutely terrible... I adore Eric and I truely do want him to be happy... but why does he have to like the same guy as me?

After Max and I left Eric's apartment, we decided to go back to my place because neither of us were tired and we wouldn't be able to chill at Laura's apartment (where Max is staying).  I sat apart from Max for roughly 2 minutes before I asked if it would be ok for us to cuddle, whihc he isad would be just fine and dandy.  Once the movie ended, neither of us knew what to do.  I kept trying to get him to say what we should do... and I decided to try biting his ears as a means of motivation because he had previously stated that a person can get him to do anything by biting his ears.  After doing that for a few seconds, he grabbed my face and kissed me... a lot.

I eventually put my hands down his pants... and then instantly removed it out of shock.  Max weighs 140 pounds... and about 10 pounds of that must be in his dick!  I pulled my hands out of his pants in complete shock and said, without thinking, "WOW!  It's really big... you weren't lying!"  He will be repeating that statement for years to come.  I ended up giving him head... both of us wanted to do more, but I wouldn't because we were in my parents basement and I have a few bad memories there.  One or two.

Oh, while we were making out, he stopped and made some reference to wondering what it would be like to make out with Eric.  OUCH!

I fell asleep with Max that night... somehow, I got a very deep sleep that night.  According to Max, I fell asleep quite a bit before him and was snoring.  He says that he thinks my snoring is the cutest thing ever.  :) lol

We acted just like friends for the beginning of the next day (Friday).  But, somehow we have evolved into more.  Like, Friday night we went over Dan's together, and as soon as we were in the car together, he laid down on my lap.  He also kissed me at the party numerous times.  (on yet another side note, we played beer pong and I kicked some major ass).  Quite a few things were said during the evening that really freaked me out... like people calling me his girl, conversations about him moving to dc with me, and Max asking me if I am "spoken for".  I said no.  I asked his friends to not put ideas in his head about DC because he gets super attached and might actually do it.

When he went into the bathroom, I followed him in just to ask him if he knew that we are just friends who mess around and that is it.  I now regret that decision.  I am too jealous for this shit.  And scared about STDs.  Anyway, I was kinda freaking out because I really don't want him to go crazy like has in the past... but now I don't know how he feels.

I stayed over Laura's apartment that night... and slept with Max, again.  We didn't have sex, though... we havn't had sex at all.  He were on the top bunk above Laura's bed... I wasn't about to do anything with him, which didn't go along with Max;s wishes, of course.  I really want to have sex with him, but I don't want it to be above Laura and Keifer's head!  I got over that stage a long, long time ago!  

I woke up Saturday morning and went straight from Laura's to work... my grandparents came into town so we went out to eat... and we ate, I went over Laura;s to chill with them.  I wanted to tell Max that I couldn't hang out with him and Eric on Sunday because it is too awkward for me.  I dind't end up saying that because I fell asleep right away.

Max and I did not sleep very well Saturday night.  We both kept waking up and saying how sick we felt.  When we woke up in the morning, both of us felt like death in the exact same way... sore throat, head ache, stuffy nose, sore sinuses, etc.  I called work off and spent all day in bed wtih him.  It was nice not being both sick and alone.  Unfortunately, Max couldn't get work off... so I dropped him off.  We didn't really mess around at all today due to the sickness and the fact that we couldn't breath while kissing eachother.  I hope that those facts explain his wishy washy kiss goodbye to me.

Now I don't know what is going on.  On the one side, I enjoy spending time with him more than just about anyone else and am very attacted to him.  I don't want him to be with anyone else because I would get very jealous, which does not usually happy with me.  On the other side, he is insane and we are supposed to just be best friends and fuck buddies until Janurary, when I leave.  I also so not want either of us to get hurt.  I find myself feeling vulnerable around him, which I can't STAND!  I don't want anyone to know that I care about them, because then they have power to hurt me.  I don't know what he thinks... about anything... and I really want to know, but at the same time I do not want him to ask anything about my emotions and I don't want him to have any idea about how much I care.  Hence the song at the beginning of this entry...

Should I just go with the flow or have words define how I behave?

It would also be nice to know if it is possible that he is having sex with other girls or if I have to worry about him getting on other people in my presence.

Oh, Max also told me that he will replace me with Eric when I leave.  Peachy... at least that won't happen when I am here.

Maybe we can get some drinks in us and we can talk a bit about feelings and rules or something... because I don't want to get hurt... but more than that, I don't want him to know that he could hurt me... and if I do get hurt, he can't know that either.

Oh, and I am still pretty sick.  Blah.

<3

Bah.

Well, let's start with some good Rebecca stuff, since I am doing pretty okay.  I got accepted t northeastern (woohoo), Professor Snyder sent all of her recommendations, I am officially single, Damon is not acting crazy, and I went on tours this weekend and fell completely in love wtih GWU and Goucher.

Professor Sherburn is not being fully cooperative, but I am hopeful.

On another note, my brother is dropping out of college and claims insanity.  I do not even know where to begin.

He never cried as a child... ever.  He just wanted to be left alone.  Maybe that should have been a sign of something being wrong.  People have always said that he is weird and there is something wrong with him.  Perhaps if his situation had been acknowledged at a younger age, things would be better for him.  For us.

However, there is no use dwelling in the past.

I just worry.  My parents have been ignoring each other and the obvious for twenty years, but perhaps they will stop now that he is fucking up his life.  He is dropping out of school, claiming that he is horribly depressed, cannot sleep and can't eat.  He says that time off from school will help him figure out what is wrong with him.  However, I don't see how he can even get better if he continues to engage in behavior that detracts from his quality of life and adds to his problems.  For instance, he knows that wheat makes it so he cannot eat... so he eats wheat and then cries to my parents about how sick he is.  CAUSE AND EFFECT!  THEN!  He does drugs that make it hard to sleep AND curb appetite.  WOW!

My mother now thinks that he has Ausburger's.  Well, five of our cousins have been diagnosed for it and Jeff could pretty much serve as a text book example of it, so perhaps she is right.  Perhaps she should not have been ignoring the obvious and coddeling him his entire life.  Like Jacob, for instance, is Ausbergers and goes to classes that explain to him that he will never be normal.  What good that will do a twenty-year-old child who cannot even feed himself!

The best part of it is that he is getting a free apartment out of it.  In addition, if he gets a job, he will have plenty of money and still enough time to fuck around.  Or, he can just keep on dealing.

I definitely think that my brother is Ausburgers, but I wish action had been taken earlier.  I do not want to dwell on the past and point fingers, but I cannot help it.  How could they have been so blind?  A baby who does not cry is weird, not amazing.  A child who does not engage in life is unusual.  A teenager who locks himself in his room for weeks at a time compulsively playing video games while not eating a thing is abnormal.  A man who doesn't care when a boy hits his sister is VERY strange... and then to move in with that same boy is unheard of.

Wake up, parents.

My mother said that she has always known that there was something mental wrong with him but didn't take him to any doctors because she is scared of them... what a great solution!  Do nothing!

My family motto!

Talk a lot but do nothing!

What good is talking without action?

I just want him to be ok, but I don't see that happening any time soon.

My mother also doesn't want Jeff to move back home because she doesn't want to have to spend time caring for him.

*sigh*

She is also planning on telling him that he can't fuck around because they need to be focusing on sending ME to college.  She believes that telling him that will motivate him.  I completely disagree.  I think it will cause feelings of resentment and not being cared about.

I feel a bit guilty for doing so well while he is failing... and at the same time, I don't want to go to a nice school because it will detract from the tons of money that they will surely be spending on him.  The paid for a full semesters tuition and he stopped attending two classes within the first week and now wants to withdraw.  And they will continue paying.

How can they help him from so far away?  how can they register him again for IUP without being there to monitor him?

BUT!  We cannot distract mother from her important work!

I do not know.

Being here is shitty, though, because my mom won't in force the no car rule so he will be hanging out with bad people doing bad things if he is here.  Then again, who knows what he is doing there.

I cannot even believe what Damon tells me... I keep wondering why he hid this from me and what else he hid.

:(

And why he didn't stop me from leaving or care... then again, I guess he can't care.

I feel bad for thinking about myself in a time like this when Jeff needs to be our focus.

Then again, Jeff has been our focus for years, and it has not gotten us very far.